This pain too shall pass

iPhone photo by Robert Labayen at Abagatan Ti Manila, Alfonso, Cavite, Philippines

Trying to comfort a grieving person can be tricky.

A friend told me about his friend who lamented the way people encouraged him during a time of distress. These friends meant well when they told him, “you can do it.” He felt worse because he knew he couldn’t do it and nobody seemed to understand.

We may also make a mistake of comparing someone’s pain to somebody’s much bigger pain but that will sound insensitive.

I have seen so many people crushed by events in their life. Those who have lost loved ones, jobs, reputations or opportunities. I have seen families who have been abandoned or people sidelined by disease. I have cried with my sons going through a heartbreak or a serious lovers’ quarrel and I also empathized with the hurt of their girlfriends who are like my daughters, too. I have seen many of them break but I have also been amazed at how some friends found the courage to face life again.

One family friend lost her husband due to a disease that they didn’t even know he had. Only three weeks later, their house burned resulting in the death of her daughter and her sister. How can you just get up from such a blow? For years, she couldn’t even look at the ruins. But two years ago, she built a nice new house in the same location and she lives there now. Instead of more regret, I believe she finds joy re-living the family moments exactly where they happened.

Another friend lost a son who accidentally fell from a building. It was recent so it’s fair to assume that she still cries at night when no one is looking. But she can come to work, do her job well and even console officemates who have also lost loved ones. She may not know it but she gives courage to all of us in the office.

Is there a way out?

Even psychotherapist Sean Grover understood his limitations in reassuring patients who are devastated. “I try not to engage in reactive comforting. Advice or quick answers always feel false, even insulting, when someone is deeply hurt.”

In an article in the Psychology Today website, he wrote these steps for those going through something:

“1. Honor Your Pain.

       The avoidance of pain increases it. To heal, you must pass through the doorway of grief…

       Unplug, put time aside to reflect, and give yourself permission to grieve. Time and

       patience are key to discovery.”

“2. Reach Out.

       Being alone is part of healing, but long periods of isolation are unhealthy…Reach out to

       friends, find support groups…seek comfort in prayer, meditation or philosophy -whatever

       brings you peace of mind.”

“3. Take A Break

       It’s important to take a break from your pain and engage in healthy compartmentalization

       …Some find it in creative activities such as writing, reading, music or movies…Choose a task

       that allows you to escape by stepping into another reality, even if it’s only for a few

       moments.”

“4. Learn From It

      An attitude of learning will help you unearth value in the experience. You may also discover

      a curious new freedom: recovery from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you

      stronger, wiser and more resilient.”

“5. Move On

       Some people allow suffering to define them, shape them and ultimately, rob them of

       living…will you allow emotional pain to hold you back or will you decide to use it to propel

       you in a new direction?”

If you are hurting right now, the phrase “move on” may not mean anything to you. I think it’s okay. Life is long and there’s no rush to feel all right right now.

If I may add to Dr. Grover’s list, it is to forgive. Psychotherapist Amy Morin, the guru of mental health, said the inability to forgive ourselves and those who have hurt us are reasons why we get stuck in the sad past.

Be a winner, not a wreck

Neuroscientist Alex Korb reported that depressed people attempt to make themselves feel a little better by drinking too much, eating too much, staying up late too much followed by sleeping too much. They usually double the dose because a depressed brain does not produce enough dopamine, the pleasure brain chemical. In the process, the sad person can become less healthy and lacking the drive to succeed in life.

We owe it to ourselves to bounce back and become an even better person. Healthier, smarter, more confident and better-looking than ever before.

Dr. Korb said that depression can be caused by anxiety and worry. So, instead of worrying that our problems will not get solved, we can start planning on how we can turn this trial into triumph. Maybe our fears will not even become reality, after all. We can hope for a miracle, and we can also create one.

Yesterday morning in church, I felt a tear slide down my cheek while listening to a prayer sung by a choir of nuns. I don’t even recall the lyrics. But the thought that God was carrying me in His arms made me feel so much better and felt that life can always get better.

Read :

Healing Emotional Pain: How to Recover When Life Crushes You by Sean Grover in the Psychology Today website.

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy Morin

The Upward Spiral by Alex Korb